Happy new year and decade
A reflection, a new start with an old soul
One more day to the first year of the new decade. I am thirty years old within three months. I got married and I am pregnant 5 months old. I got my dream job, as a lecturer in my city.
Am I happy? That is the wrong question. Happy is a daily feeling. It is impossible to be happy all the time. However, I am so grateful for everything that I have.
But now, I feel not good with myself. I feel failed because I cannot change the bad habits that I have been keeping all this time. It is too difficult for me. So, all of this time, what are the things that change? Besides the situation around me that is change, I feel that I do not change at all. Moreover, I feel worse.
Almost every year I make a new year resolution. But only some few things that are checked. It never 100% successes. So, why I should make another resolution again if in the end it is never accomplished?
2019 is a year of full of change around me. I got married. I got a job. I live together with a lovely man and I am pregnant with his child. This year I kept busying with the requirement as a new employee at my workplace. That requires all of my energy.
It is like, I indeed never change. The things that are changed are my surroundings. A few years ago, I was confronted by my worst job that gave me so much pressure so that made me feel depressed. Right now, I am confronted by other problems like how to raise my child, how to buy a house and car without having any debts.
I am always same confronted by changing problems.
However, even though I am far from flawless, I have decided to love myself. I want to be comfortable with myself regardless of how bad my shape.
Welcoming 2020, I need to see it as a challenge, not a problem.
Oh, and I want to write again, read books again, enjoying music and nature again, and I want to live in this moment. I want to spend my life more meaningful. I hope I can do that.
